Through many situations in my life, a few good books and friends, I've learned to never ask why.
Why not me?
At the end of 2009, life was looking sweet. Phill and I were pregnant with our third child and the grand news would be delivered on Christmas Eve and Day to our parents, who were thrilled. It was all so exciting, not simply b/c we were bringing a new member into our family, but b/c .. well .. it had been eight years since I'd been pregnant. And that's a bit shocking!
Three days after telling our good news, we learned via ultrasound that my sac contained no baby. We weren't prepared for it. My body felt pregnant, was beginning to look pregnant and of course our hearts were ready for this child.
We were disappointed, but weren't crushed. Life goes on. So let's pick up and go.
During that time, we had so many people flood us with love, food, flowers, calls, etc .. It was almost overwhelming, in a good way. Honestly it felt a little weird, b/c like I said, we were moving on.
The day after Christmas my body failed to yield to health and instead drove straight on the autobahn of ear infections. So while our family was being pampered for a miscarriage, I was accepting the love on behalf of my ear. Sounds silly, but the pain I was in wasn't emotional, it was physical.
Our anniversary was January 9th and we decided [long before any of this happened] that we were going to get away and go to the place we went on our honeymoon. It was fabulous. Even though my ear wasn't 100% better and I had another issue that I choose to believe was caused from all the antibiotic I was taking. We really had a great time and for the first time, "there's no place like home" wasn't calling us back. We really wanted to stay longer. That's how relaxed and how much fun we were having.
But we came home.
And our routine started to set in again. Life was feeling normal.
The Monday after we returned, I started my period. Happiness ensued and normalcy was taking place in my body again! It seemed so fast.
But then Tuesday I started cramping and began to have blood clots. A lot of them. All day long. My husband urged me to call the clinic. They told me what I needed to know and that this was to be expected, but that there were a few signs to look for that I could be losing too much blood.
That night, I thought I had.
Phill called the hospital and the ER gave some conflicting news. Maybe we should stay home b/c this seemed normal at least to them. So we chose to stay and I immediately lay down and slept for about an hour and a half.
I woke up utterly amazed at how good I felt and went straight into Kyra's room to ask if she'd been praying for me. Loved her honesty: "No, I hadn't yet."
I checked my phone and had two texts from my dear SIL, Kelly and one from my friend who both said they'd been praying for me.
I knew someone had. I felt a 180.
And so all of this leads me to share something I read this morning.
Then a great and powerful wind [miscarriage] tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake [ear infection], but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. [Other versions use a still, small voice.]
The book I'm reading is Hello: My Name is God. Here's the excerpt:
The wind, earthquake and fire seem a better match for our lives, a better way for Him to make sure we hear Him. But listening to God in these things wouldn't require any humility. It wouldn't require us shutting our own noise off long enough to pay attention and give Him the place of authority the Most High deserves.
To hear a still, small voice amid the crumbling mountains and raging seas and failing nations, we must stop and ourselves be still. To listen.
So why this happened doesn't matter, at least not today. But I am convinced that everything happens for a reason and for the good to those who love and are called to the Lord. Maybe I needed to be still. Maybe I needed to share my story with someone else who could benefit from it, because I know that's why we go through tough times, to learn and to help someone else heal. Maybe my daughter will go through this and I'll have solid experience to be able to help her through.
I don't know, but I know God does and since He is in control the only thing I can ask is for Him to use this to help someone else. And since it will, I am grateful.